Dear Ignorant Driver at the Toll Booth,

I know that the concept of toll roads and the fees that go along with them confuse some of you, but seriously, get your shit together. Chances are you drive on the toll road every day, yet always seemed surprised that there is a perplexing booth that demands money along your journey.

Normally, at large exits, there are people who operate these booths and can make change if needed. These are called toll collectors. They will make change, hit a button and give you the okay to proceed along your trip.

Some toll plazas even separate the lines to make it convenient for everyone on the road. For example, there are automated “exact change only” lines, “change provided” lines and even lines for people that pre-pay their tolls. In cases like this, it is vitally important for you, the driver, to make sure you are entering the correct lane. How embarrassing it must be for you to pull into an “exact change” lane to find that you have only a dollar bill in your possession. The visible formation of a line behind you while you dig through your console to look for change can be unnerving. Even more unnerving, the blaring of horns while you put your car in park, open the door and check the ground around the toll for spare change dropped by other motorists only to find that there isn’t any. Then you have to do the “grown up” version of the walk of shame and get out of your car to ask the motorist behind you to make change.

Sometimes you can’t face the embarrassment of asking for change so you will pull up to the very front of the sensor and hope that the person behind you would be nice enough to pay their toll twice so you can get a free pass. Sometimes you just like to show your ignorance by putting your car in park and sit there astounded that a machine actually had the nerve to ask you for money to proceed. My favorite, the people who park and then pull out their cell phones and call someone to ask them what to do.

How can this confusion and embarrassment be avoided? It’s quite simple.

BE. FUCKING. PREPARED.

If you are paying with coins, it is best to have your payment ready before it is your turn. Have the money in your hand as you pull up to the booth, deposit it, and be on your way. If you decide to pay with cash and need change, once again have your money ready. Also heed the posted signs that say bills larger than a $20 are not accepted. If you do pay with a large bill, do not bitch and moan to the toll collector that your change is in $1 bills. The reason this happens is because hundreds upon hundreds of motorists who are prepared and considerate drivers who can read and follow directions pay with small bills. As a result, there is not a drawer full of change to accommodate assholes who decide to pay a $0.50 toll with a $100 bill.

In the rare instance that you find yourself driving on a toll road without any money, you should proceed with caution through the express lane. The highway authority allows for motorists to have 2 unpaid tolls in a 30 day period because even they understand that not everyone can have their shit together at all times. It happens. Consider that a free pass on your stupidity. These policies and amenities have been set up to serve a high volume of motorists in a short period of time.

Remember, toll toads are called expressways. Express means quick.

So make sure your shit is together and hurry the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Addison