To my dearest colon, stomach and intestines,

I do not ask for much. I make an attempt to take care of you and expect you to be there for me and take kindly to the foods I choose to eat. Sure, it is a poor attempt, but a poor attempt is better than not thinking of you at all when making my dining choices.

You know how picky I am. I am this way for you.

When is the last time I battered you with hot sauces? Months. When is the last time fruit has passed through you? Weeks. Do you even know what a salad is? I think not.

All I ask is that you cooperate with me on the days I choose to stuff myself with ice cream and cereal. I know that I have put you through a cereal overload as of late, but you know how much I adore Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, Fruit Loops, Cap'n Crunch and the like. And if I recall correctly, I have not treated myself to them in a very long time.

I was hoping that the nausea, stomach cramps and increased toilet time were a fluke- signs of you re-acclimating yourself to the finer things in life- but no, I have come to realize they are not. And because I am as dedicated as I am, I have given you four gallons of milk over the last month trying to help you get used to the feeling of deliciousness.

But you continue to play hardball. So much, that I cannot even enjoy cheese like I used to, for fear that I may have a series of unfortunate accidents should I decide to leave the house after eating.

Why must thou forsake me?

I am hurt.

You can call yourself the victor for now, but I refuse to succumb to your evil ways.

I will not, I repeat, will not be defeated.

ONE DAY, I AGAIN WILL BE TOLERANT!